WASHINGTON — In order to man the newly-created Space Force, the Pentagon has commissioned space cadet and upcoming West Point senior Andrew Levy as its first space officer, sources confirmed today.

“I’m like the duckling you thought was ugly but I ended up being a swan,” Levy, a second lieutenant in a unit that does not technically exist, told reporters before getting distracted by a squirrel. “But instead of a bird, I’m gonna be, you know, an astronaut soldier.”