TOLEDO, Ohio — Holiday cheer is reportedly low in some communities this season, as suicide bombers were unexpectedly notified that they may have to work Christmas day.
In yet another example of how Westerners have been disappointed after buying into the caliphate's claims to "give their life purpose," ISIS continued to alienate their American followers by activating almost all of its sleeper cells throughout the US for the upcoming Christmas week.
The call to jihad, according to numerous miffed radicals, couldn't have come at a worse time, as most have already made their plans for the much anticipated holiday break.
"I booked a vacation to Turks and Caicos six months ago — six months," said new ISIS member Rick Stevens, who now calls himself "Awad Khleifat" after suffering an existential crisis working as a cost engineer. "Walmart doesn't even make their employees work on Christmas. If I would have known they didn't respect the traditional holiday shutdown period I would have just read 'The Secret.'"
