KHANASHIN DISCTRICT, AFGHANISTAN - An investigation led by indigenous and coalition forces revealed late last night that up to 95% of Afghan Border Patrol (ABP) are completely incompetent and oblivious to any actual conflict in Afghanistan. Marines working hand in hand with the ABP cited gross acts of incompetence, such as "wandering home and not returning, arriving to post under the influence of hashish, not wearing uniforms, and in general simply not giving a shit," according to the report.

Reporters from Duffel Blog confirmed the allegations flooding across desks in the Regimental Office that in fact very few, if any of the military's Afghan counterparts are contributing to the struggle for peace and stability in the region.

"It just seems to me that these [ABP] aren't even attentive enough to distinguish us from the Taliban," said Sergeant Major Barrett, the current Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps. "It just confounds us up here at the top that we make the ANSF [Afghan National Security Forces] check boxes in training just like our boys do at home, but they have no concept of who we even are or why we're here."

The 318-page report highlights numerous and specific instances of misbehavior and negligence among the Afghan ranks. At Combat Outpost (COP) Taghaz in southern Helmand Province, the claims became even more sobering.