FORT BENNING, GA - After three days of grueling events, one Soldier has finally been named "Best Sick Call Ranger of 2012", giving him the title of being the sickest and most injured malingerer in the U.S. Army.

This year had a record turnout with a total of forty Soldiers vying to demonstrate their dedication to duty in feigning sickness and injury to the utmost of their abilities. Not only do the winners earn the title of "Best Sick Call Ranger", they also become the recipients of the coveted gold plated Model 495 cane and are admitted to the Army's prestigious Warrior Transition Brigade (WTB) Delta - Detachment, home of the Franklin D. Roosevelt Special Welfare Center.

Due to the sensitive nature of the unit, it is rumored by many in the Sick Call Community that it is here that malingerers receive extensive medical care consisting of massages with happy endings, open bars, and topless French maids.

"Selection for Delta is tough. Those guys are the best of the best in the Sick Call community," said first-time competitor Private First Class Frank Mears. "You've got to have that special 'something' that sets you apart from the others. Delta Operators keep up the sham while surrounded by people who have actually been in combat and been wounded."