THE WHITE HOUSE — President Joe Biden awarded the Caldecott Medal to Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps Troy E. Black in a ceremony held in the East Room on Tuesday before assembled military dignitaries, family members, and Mrs. Juanita Gonzales's kindergarten class from Thomson Elementary School for his bestselling children’s book, Shut the Fuck Up and Sit the Fuck Down! 

“I thought I ordered everybody home from Afghanistan? What’s this for again?” asked President Biden, somewhat confused about the ceremony.

The artwork for the book depicts fatherly Marine drill instructors on the make-believe Island of Sirap who gently teach youngsters the art of shutting their pieholes lest someone unscrew their head and shit down their neck. The book also urges kids to be wary of dangerous giant fleas who hide on sandy beaches.