WASHINGTON — Terrorist leaders around the world began offering their unconditional surrender after President Donald Trump declared Wednesday that transgender people would no longer be "allowed or accepted" in the U.S. military.

"For the past 16 years we have kept the infidels at bay," said Taliban leader Mullah Yaqoub, from his jail cell in Kabul. "But now that they have purged the degenerates from their ranks, they will surely accomplish their mission after over a decade of failure."

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of ISIS, turned himself into Iraqi government forces upon hearing the news, revealing that the group's "victories were only due to the Americans being distracted by the lady-men hiding in their midst," he said. "Now our damnation is assured."