AFGHANISTAN — Amid a shortage of qualified military pilots that can help support operators on the ground, the Pentagon has turned to ride-sharing company Uber to fill the gap, sources confirmed today.

"Imagine that you’re a team of Navy SEALs in desperate need of extraction,” said Uber CEO Dara Khosrowshahi. “Suddenly a Cessna-172 appears from thin air. It’s Sadir from Uber, here to fly you through intense ground fire in a pleasant 71 degree cabin to the cool stylings of adult contemporary. ‘Cucumber-infused water?’ he asks, producing a chilled carafe. This is the kind of experience we hope to offer our customers with Uber-Xtract.”

While the concept seems a big win for soldiers in the field, some have expressed concern at the prospect of being extracted by unvetted locals rather than professional combat aircrews.