This week in American power projection: the map was wrong, the dorms were fine, and the travel card was for official purposes.
Story Roundup
Pentagon casualties, metric improvement, and Fat Leonard’s least dignified phase.
Situation Report
Uh oh, jennifer Lopez killed again in Ukraine
The world mourns again.
KYIV, Ukraine — Superstar Jennifer Lopez has been killed in Ukraine, again. Lopez is best known for her prestigious music and acting career and for dying during roughly 147 military deployments since Operation Desert Storm.
News of Lopez’s demise quickly spread through the American Lance Corporal underground and was confirmed by numerous Facebook tributes and TikTok dance memorials.
“Damn, I can’t believe she’s gone,” said Staff Sgt. John Duggan, wiping tears from his eyes. “Especially because she was already killed when I was a private in Helmand in 2018. Life is so unfair.”
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Air Force IG uncovers SNACKOs taking kickbacks from Big Insulin
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Pentagon facing dangerous shortage of fucks given
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Opinion: Listen up, assholes. Turn in your excess cruise missiles or everybody stays in formation
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