TEL AVIV — A horrific chemical weapons attack in the Sinai that allowed an Army chemical officer to demonstrate his superior training and competency has left hundreds dead and many more injured, sources confirmed today.

2nd Lt. Herschel Goldman, a unit "chemo" with U.S. Task Force Sinai and fresh from basic officer course, is being hailed for his quick decision making, despite his lack of having any fucking clue what to do as sarin-filled artillery shells rained down on the United Nations peacekeeping force.

“It was so terrible," said Goldman. “Men were dying everywhere. The battalion commander came into my office and asked what we should do. So I told him maybe we should put on our pro-masks or something, but then I remembered that’d we’d locked all the masks up in the connex so we wouldn’t lose any.”