WASHINGTON — Sources across the Army say that every command sergeant major nationwide has put base gyms on their respective units' off-limits list, just hours after it was announced that earbuds could be worn by soldiers while exercising there.

According to Sergeant Major of the Army Dan Dailey, the unilateral and completely uncoordinated decision of nearly 1,200 battalion and brigade level sergeants major came as a complete surprise. He admits that, while completely unrelated to the earbud policy, the enforcement of a policy that completely negates the new regulations may look suspicious to outsiders, but is completely unrelated.

"I haven't had a chance to speak with specific units yet, but there could be any number of perfectly valid reasons these policies were put into place," Dailey said in a press conference. "I am confident in the abilities of my fellow sergeants major to make appropriate, fact-based decisions devoid of personal preferences, based on their unit-specific circumstances."