ASGARD—Valhalla has been on lockdown for the past millennium, as warrior souls have been searching for the missing hammer of Thor, according to Valkyries close to the situation.

"We narrowed down the possible location to a few billion cubic light years of empty space," said Egil, legendary hero and brother of Wayland the Smith. "However, until it is found we have protocols we have to follow."

Egil and other deities suspended the daily battles and nightly smorgasbords served by beautiful Valkyries until Mjolnir, the hammer, is found, forcing the mythical army of the dead to eat FREs (Feasts, Ready-to-Eat) for the past 1,000 years. In parallel, millions of soldiers under Freyja participate in daily "Hands Across Fólkvangr" MOD walk (Mjolnir object debris), thus far turning up nothing of significance.