SEYMOUR-JOHNSON AFB, N.C. — Capt. Erik “Big Chungus” Simmons found himself in trouble today when the big dumb idiot drove his F-15E away from the gas station with the pump still attached. The KC-135 crew saved the day by calling an emergency breakaway and building separation between the two aircraft.

“We were mid-give when this dude just rolls hard on his wingtip, throws it in burner, and peels off,” said boom operator Senior Airman Marshall Conner.

When the tanker crew reached out on boom frequency to see if the airheaded aviator needed any assistance, they discovered that he had already switched off channel. Flight data pulled from his aircraft reveals that he was in comms with his squadron duty desk ordering a large pepperoni and sausage pizza.