NEW LONDON, CT — In a speech delivered Wednesday to the Coast Guard Academy, a school that does exist per Wikipedia, Coast Guard Adm. Toby Waverham chided Army leadership for failing to secure victory in the War on Terror. “I had to call up my buddy [General] McConville and say, Jimmy, pal, way to lose the War on Terror,” said Waverham, himself a longtime veteran of the War on Drugs.

Waverham was speaking at what technically counts as a Service Academy as part of a VIP speaker series focused on the Coast Guard’s role in future operations titled, “Space Boats: Coast to Coast.”

“The other services seem to have forgotten that to win a war, you need clearly defined goals and an achievable end state,” continued Waverham, who has dedicated over 20 years of his life to eradicating the illegal import and use of drugs in the U.S.