FORT HOOD, Texas – Witnesses confirmed members of the 1st Squadron, 3rd Cavalry Regiment's Family Readiness Group thoroughly enjoyed asking single soldiers “So why aren’t you married” during last Saturday’s mandatory fun event at the Fort Hood Recreational Center.

Family Readiness Group Leader Stephanie Crompton noted, “I simply can’t fathom why Lieutenant Tom Stephens isn’t married. He never brings a date to these weekend mandatory fun gatherings. I can only assume he’s not married because he’s a closet homosexual.”

Witnesses describe a trio of single officers at the mandatory family gathering on Saturday—which catered primarily to junior enlisted soldiers, trashy spouses, and their rambunctious, hell-spawn children—awkwardly standing around in a circle and staring at their watches for the better part of an hour.