FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Womack Army Medical Center, commonly referred to as Hell’s Hospital, finally surpassed Afghanistan’s infant mortality rate.

The rate improved dramatically once Hell decided to talk to literally any other medical facility outside of the Department of Defense network.

Col. John Melton, commanding officer of Hell's Hosptial, gave a brief congratulatory speech over the intercom. “We had no idea you were supposed to sterilize equipment,” he said. “And we stopped running experiments on the patients here. Yeah, that second one was a real game changer. Go team!”

The dysfunctional medical facility has also recently decided to decrease its reliance on narcotics, Motrin, and duct tape for treatment. The results have been amazing, bringing misdiagnosis down from 79 percent to 73.5 percent in almost an eight-month period.