WASHINGTON, D.C. - "Fire them! Fire them all!" raved Gen. James Amos, foaming at the mouth as he was escorted to a waiting police cruiser in a straitjacket late Friday. Amos is en route to a high security psychiatric facility following a firing spree during which he attempted to relieve the entire United States Marine Corps.

It began Thursday morning, when Amos unexpectedly fired his aide. Sources believe the firing was prompted when Amos saw an article in The Marine Corps Times that suggested he was becoming increasingly unhinged. The article, which contained information that caused Amos to believe it was leaked from sources close to him, alleged that he believed he was surrounded by invisible enemies who wished to ruin his legacy as Commandant through leaks to the media, sexual assaults, safety incidents, war crimes, alcohol-related incidents, wasting water, and even their own suicides.

When Assistant Commandant Gen. John Paxton spoke up on behalf of the young officer, Amos fired him as well, believing him to be a co-conspirator. The situation soon spiraled out of control, with Amos running down the halls kicking in doors, and firing everyone he encountered. Victims of this portion of the spree included several of Amos' deputy commandants, large portions of their staffs, one very startled janitor, and Sen. Richard Blumenthal (D-Conn.).

"Are you a Marine?" Amos asked, wild-eyed, not recognizing the member of the Armed Forces Committee.