Marine Corps Limiting Liquor Sales In Effort To Keep Troops Fighting Mad

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A typical Marine Corps Wednesday.

QUANTICO, VA — The Marine Corps is taking steps to limit on-base liquor sales as the first stage of the Corps' ramp-up for the possible conflict in Syria, keeping troops so furious they'll destroy everything as soon as they arrive in country.

Bill Allen, the director of Semper Fit and the Exchange Services Division, said he is taking immediate steps in response to a memo from Headquarters Marine Corps directing more restrictions on alcohol sales.

"Look, that silly breathalyzer plan just wasn't doing the trick," Allen said. "We figure if the troops have to go farther to get their liquor they'll spend less time actually drinking." He went on to explain hard liquor will no longer be sold at sites adjacent to barracks, such as the post exchange, the roach coach, and several day care centers.

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