ARLINGTON, VA — The Department of Homeland Security has purchased more than one billion rounds of a newly designed 9mm handgun round designated "domestic anti-personnel," developed in part by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, and manufactured in China by NORINCO, a Duffel Blog investigation has uncovered.

Nicknamed "Patriot Poppers," the ammunition was originally conceptualized as the round to "guard against those guarding against tyranny." According to government documents, the design is extremely effective at creating permanent tissue damage to unarmored doughy middle-aged targets.

"It won't really penetrate any significant body armor, but that stuff is illegal to purchase anyway," said Regina Dugan, a DARPA spokesperson speaking to reporters only on background. "These are for pacification of the law-abiding, protest prone people: Truthers, Birthers, you know the type. Don't quote me on that."

The new DAP round represents a "great leap forward in ammunition design," said David Lo Pan, spokesman for NORINCO North America. "While the new round is not armor-piercing, it can easily penetrate the Old Testament, The Book of Mormon, iPhones, fanny packs, pocket-sized constitutions, Members Only jackets, frock coats, powdered wigs, and picket signs."