WASHINGTON — After returning from his latest deployment to visit troops overseas, Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel is spending all the money he earned in Afghanistan as fast as possible, Duffel Blog has learned.

Hagel has gone to Hooters every night since he has returned, where he thinks the waitresses are impressed by his war stories. After downing several pitchers of beer he takes a limousine downtown to The Shadow Room, where he spends several hundred dollars in an hour.

“He was here last night,” bartender John Ray said. “He walked in, ordered bottle service, and started drinking straight from the bottle. He got so drunk we had to kick him out. As the bouncer was dragging him towards the door he shouted ‘Time to get some pussy!’ Then he asked where he could find the closest strip club.”