FORT MEADE, Md. — Just days after assuming his new post as Director of the National Security Agency, Central Security Service and U.S. Cyber Command, Adm. Mike Rogers was overheard complaining about massive privacy violations, as he’s been unable to stop his wife from going through his e-mails.
The four-star admiral — a specialist in cryptology and cyber warfare — said that despite routinely changing his password, clearing his browser cache, and implementing other routine security measures, his wife was still somehow able to see the most intimate details of his life with just the click of a button.
“I swear, every few hours I’m getting a phone call [from Dana] asking me why I started subscribing to updates from the new Captain America movie, or got a Google calendar alert about lunch with [Director of National Intelligence] James Clapper when I’m supposed to be taking her to the Mall to see the cherry blossoms,” Rogers was heard saying, according to a highly-placed source at the Rogers’ home.
“I don’t know if I would use the word ‘nosy,’ but seriously, can’t I have just one private conversation around here?”
The Admiral had recently finished drawing up a list of his wife’s possible hacking techniques, which ranged from installing Iranian malware on his work computer to involvement in the Heartbleed bug, which Admiral Rogers suspects his wife may have created to access his Netflix account.
Other sources inside the Rogers home explained that Mrs. Rogers was not spying on him, but just trying to build a comprehensive record of information that she might want to use someday.
“With all the e-mails Mike sends every day, how do I know that one won’t be an important doctor’s appointment he might forget or a credit card bill he might not pay?” the source said. “The only solution is just to read and store everything.”
The source also described a security system full of holes and easily crackable passwords.
“He can change his password every five minutes, but when he writes them all down on sticky notes and tacks them to his monitor that kind of defeats the purpose,” the source explained. “And it’s not like they’re hard to crack: ‘GoNavy1!’ GoNavy2!’? It’s not hard to figure out what it’s going to be the next week.”
Rogers grew even more exasperated after he accidentally forgot to log out of his Facebook and Twitter accounts and his wife used them to post in his name: “Taking my sweetie on a surprise trip to the Bahamas next month … if I know what’s good for me.”
The new NSA chief described the current privacy problem as “the greatest security threat” to ever hit the Rogers household in an e-mail to his closest friend, a Nigerian prince who would be sending him part of his immense fortune upon receipt of the admiral’s bank account numbers.
Rogers added that he would immediately be subjecting himself to several weeks of information assurance training and password management to ensure that similar incidents never happen again.