SAN DIEGO, Calif. — Seeing clearly for the first time in nearly six years, sources confirmed on Sunday that Intelligence Specialist 2nd Class Doug Peters sullenly acknowledged the high-school-like petty social constructs presiding over his day-to-day existence in the United States Navy.

Staring blankly at his now-unappetizing hors d’oeuvres, Peters grimly reflected on the cliques, politics and general sycophancy of the high school years he had wanted to leave behind by enlisting.

“Peters has been playing with his food for the past thirty minutes, and hasn’t said a word to anyone,” said Boatswain’s Mate 2nd Class Greg Wilson. “But that’s probably because he’s a whiny little, pretentious, emo bitch who thinks he’s better than everyone.”