RAQQA, Syria — The leaders of ISIS collectively surrendered yesterday after reading a highly compelling open letter posted on the internet, according to an apologetic and heartfelt statement released by the terrorist group.

The open letter, written by former enlisted Army communications specialist Brian Murphy, was posted on his personal blog and shared to his 67 Twitter followers last week. The post went viral after Murphy spent most of his early separation pay on Twitter advertising.

In what is being called an "EPIC takedown" that "blasts" and "totally destroys" ISIS, Murphy starts with a long and detailed history of his military service, describing his experiences at basic training and his deployments to Afghanistan. He then presents a grammatically confusing exegesis of the Quran that simultaneously proves that neither he nor ISIS has ever read it.