PENTAGON – The Department of Defense has announced the creation of a 10th Combatant Command, SCENTCOM, focused on unifying efforts of highly scented products sold on military bases through “consultants.”
“The second-largest source of income in the DoD after base pay is home-based businesses,” said Pentagon spokesman Peter Cook. “We find that there’s enormous economic and social power in candles, lotions, air fresheners — basically anything that smells nice. We’re unifying these efforts across the globe, joint services, and living room lube parties.”
SCENTCOM will be the fourth functional command, and will be headquartered in Fort Bragg, N.C. where unsanctioned scented product pyramid scheme units began to flourish decades ago.
“It was the wickless candles,” said Tiffanie Collier, wife of Staff Sgt. Greg Collier. “I sold enough of ‘em that the entire block smelled like caramel spiced apples. I made enough money to put a new piece on my back tat. That was before the flavored sex toy parties started showing up and cutting into my business. It’s about time someone sorted out this mess.”
While the other nine Combatant Commands are supervised a 4-star general, McMurphy indicated that SCENTCOM would be lead by a 4-star general’s wife.
SCENTCOM will also be responsible for announcing the official start date of pumpkin spice season, deconflicting high-pressure sales parties, and verifying that each business sends consistent nagging Facebook invites for special sales events just for friends.
“With so much of the military economically reliant on scented products, we can’t leave these products open to corruption from foreign militaries or special interests,” said Col. Ramsey Gordian, SCENTCOM Intelligence officer. “It’s a top priority at SCENTCOM to keep the supply lines clear and the Avon deliveries on time.”