BANGOR, Wash. — Defense Secretary Jim Mattis gave a motivational speech to sailors at Naval Base Kitsap last week in which he told them they should be proud of their service, since they were "not pu--ies sitting on the sidelines," but instead were "pu--ies sitting on a boat," sources confirmed today.

After drinking several bottles of Jack Daniels over a 30-minute period, Mattis reportedly knife-handed the entire crew to attention and brought them to a local pub before he began speaking, according to the official DoD transcript.

"I didn't know what was happening," Petty Officer 3rd Class Neil Joelstein told reporters. "One second I'm sipping my fuzzy navel, the next I'm at attention, erect, getting insulted by Chaos and feeling honored about it."