RANDOLPH AFB — The U.S. Air Force announced last week that, in order to restore its readiness, 100% of captains would be promoted to major, except for you, asshole.

Despite being confident that every single captain in the United States Air Force is deserving of a higher level of responsibility — even that self-serving douchebag Capt. Fitzsimmons — you're being passed over, sources confirmed today.

Remember that time you took a candy bar from the snacko and put your name on the IOU list, but then crossed it off later without paying? Yeah, everyone knew about that, asshole, and now you're going to stay a captain forever.

The decision to completely ignore the performance of many thousands of officers and promote them regardless of how minimalist their accomplishments comes as a shock to personnel officers everywhere.