FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Controversial soldier Bowe Bergdahl is jumping into the world of small business ownership, opening a new Escape Room location in the luxurious city of Fayetteville, sources confirmed today.

Bergdahl's Escape Room franchise will feature an Afghanistan-themed environment, including Hesco barriers, piss-tubes, and a complimentary actor masturbating danger-close to your cot.

Participants will battle toxic command climates, delusions of grandeur, and existential struggles for the meaning of life, according to the official press release.