CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — Marine Gunnery Sgt. Lyle Coolridge has developed an innovative new leadership method called the "T.H.R.O.A.T.P.U.N.C.H. System" to solve his unit's morale problems, sources confirmed today.

According to Coolridge, the system draws on some of the most cutting edge management practices and psychological research to maximize morale among his Marines and remedy conditions ranging from "duty blues" to "chronic butthurt."

Coolridge described how he puts the system, which stands for "Total Happiness Remedy, Or, Advancement Therapy for Performance Upturns in Natural Combat Health," into action with his Marines.