EVERYWHERE, USA — America reluctantly admitted that most of its service-members were not actually heroes, sources close to the first-world nation confirmed today.

“Discounts, parades, preferred services, all these things that were supposed to be a nice way of saying ‘thanks for risking your life’ have morphed into this culture of self-inflicted martyrdom that’s pretty fucking disturbing,” America said during a news conference.

“It’s partially my fault. I’m the one who sees the incredible things our special operations and para-military forces are doing on an hourly basis around the globe. If most of our enemies knew what we were capable of they’d be shitting their pants,” the nation began, ignoring shouted questions from the press.

“It’s a sad fact that those most deserving of the label ‘hero’ are the same people who won’t ever acknowledge it, no matter how deserving. Seventeen years after 9/11 we’ve somehow created a cult of hero worship aimed at semi-educated 18- and 19-year old kids who’ve done nothing more taxing than go overseas for a year and deal with shitty food and shittier weather.”