WASHINGTON – People across the nation can finally continue their daily lives without having to thank every veteran they come across for their service, Pentagon officials announced today.
Chief Pentagon Spokesperson Dana White and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Joseph Dunford spoke to reporters to address the reasoning behind the landmark decision, and to outline a way ahead for Americans.
“Frankly, most veterans have been thanked enough,” said Dunford. “Even if they deployed, most of them probably sat around in a FOB sucking down their Green Beans coffee and having Tide Pods from Amazon delivered to their APO address.”
Americans, however, won’t be completely restricted from thanking veterans. Under the new guidelines, service members returning from a combat deployment will have a one-year grace period, at which point they revert back to only receiving gratitude on Veteran’s Day. Combat disabled veterans will receive a lifetime exception, but only for injuries that are immediately apparent.
Despite the seemingly intentional move to deny gratitude to veterans, the announcement has gained an overwhelming amount of popular support from current and former service members, many of whom find such encounters to be awkward and uncomfortable.
“I mean, what can you really say except, ‘um, thanks’,” said Army Maj. Andrew Upshaw. “You’d kind of sound like an asshole if you just said, ‘you’re welcome’.”
He added, “And then they always try to qualify themselves like, ‘I have a nephew who served in Iraq. Do you know Steve?’ What the hell kind of a question is that? I want to tell em, ‘Of course I know Steve! Fuck that shitbag.'”
The shift to stop thanking non-exempted veterans for their service is effective immediately, but they can still look forward to receiving their free Applebee’s dinner and personal gratitude on Veteran’s day in November, officials confirmed. Americans are also reminded not to thank veterans during Memorial Day this upcoming May.
“Unless the veteran you’re thanking is six feet under the ground or sitting above the fireplace mantle in a mason jar,” said Dunford. “Memorial Day is not for them.”