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Entire military disappointed no one thought to run dick-shaped route in Syria

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WASHINGTON — Military service members expressed shock after run routes of troops deployed overseas at secret bases were revealed by a fitness app and not a single one was shaped like a dick, sources confirmed today.

“What is this, amateur hour?” asked Lance Cpl. Alan Briggins, a Marine stationed at Camp Pendleton.

Personal workout data released earlier this week by the fitness app Strava inadvertently revealed running routes from U.S. troops, which outlined everything from secret bases to Patriot missile batteries. Although some service members were upset by the apparent operational security nightmare, many others were angered that not a single one of those deployed soldiers used their personal Fitbit or Apple Watch to help form a giant beef bayonet as they ran.

The news came mere months after a Navy pilot used his jet to draw a massive dick in the skies over Washington State, compounding service members’ disappointment that troops deployed in Iraq or Syria couldn’t jog out at least one “big veiny bastard,” a senior defense official said.

“Ever since I saw the news of sky dick I was hoping that someone would do something like it on the ground,” said 1st Lt. Anthony McCue, an infantry platoon commander. “This is what Go Army, Beat Navy is all about.”

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