SUBIC BAY, Philippines – Petty Officer 3rd Class Jimmy Ortiz, a Boatswain’s mate assigned to the skeleton crew at Subic Bay, has experienced a political awakening regarding the U.S. government's overly generous immigration laws since the news that the girl he’s been ‘just chilling with’ is carrying his child, sources confirmed today.

“I’ve never thought about chain migration before,” Ortiz said. “But fuck if I’m even going to meet her mom, let alone give her my citizenship.”

Local barracks lawyer Petty Officer 2nd Class Brandon Campbell has advised Ortiz that the unborn child already was eligible for U.S. citizenship, that he wasn’t ‘giving away’ his citizenship but creating new citizenship eligibility, and that he spends five our of seven nights a week with Theresa and she’s definitely his girlfriend.