PACIFIC OCEAN — Boatswains Mate 3rd Class Jeremy Kane on Tuesday rescued the Coast Guard Cutter Waesche from dropping off the edge of the Earth about 200 miles off the coast of Hawaii, sources confirmed today.
“After reading my favorite flat earth Instagram accounts and replacing all the charts in the chart table with my own custom drawn flat earth maps, I knew we’d be safe,” said Kane. “C’mon sheeple! You see the earth is flat because our maps are flat, plus you can see it’s flat when you stand on it. If you read up on all my blogs about the Zetetic Method and the correlation between the Kennedy assassination and the mole on Cindy Crawford’s face, you’ll see how incredibly right I am.”
Kane was believed to be the laughing stock of the Waesche’s navigation team, often referred to as Mr. Illuminati or Tila Tequila. But all doubts of Kane’s conspiracies were countered when the cutter approached what’s known as the Waters Above The Firmament.
The Waesche had been on a routine fisheries patrol when the cutter was thrown off course from the impending doom of falling into the deep abyss of space. That’s when Kane burst into action by pointing out that the invisible floodgates of Sheol were open and they were about to plummet into the void of space. The bridge team quickly altered their course and safely navigated away from impending doom.
“I didn’t believe until I saw it,” said Chief Fred Mills. “I used to think conspiracy theories make dumb people feel smart but now that I just saw the edge of the earth like it was the Niagara Falls, I’m convinced that B.o.B. and Kyrie Irving have been right all along!”
The cutter originally was supposed to eventually administer humanitarian aid to the South Pacific Islands who have been affected by recent Typhoons, but has diverted to find the UFO Hitler landed somewhere in Antarctica.
“We all thought everything Kane said was batshit crazy, but now we’re just following whatever mission he finds on his all knowing conspiracy websites,” said Mills. “We just discovered that all their flu vaccines were causing the crew autism!”