PACIFIC OCEAN — Boatswains Mate 3rd Class Jeremy Kane on Tuesday rescued the Coast Guard Cutter Waesche from dropping off the edge of the Earth about 200 miles off the coast of Hawaii, sources confirmed today.

“After reading my favorite flat earth Instagram accounts and replacing all the charts in the chart table with my own custom drawn flat earth maps, I knew we’d be safe,” said Kane. “C’mon sheeple! You see the earth is flat because our maps are flat, plus you can see it’s flat when you stand on it. If you read up on all my blogs about the Zetetic Method and the correlation between the Kennedy assassination and the mole on Cindy Crawford’s face, you’ll see how incredibly right I am.”

Kane was believed to be the laughing stock of the Waesche’s navigation team, often referred to as Mr. Illuminati or Tila Tequila. But all doubts of Kane’s conspiracies were countered when the cutter approached what’s known as the Waters Above The Firmament.