WASHINGTON — The U.S. Coast Guard says it will respond to more than 3,000 incidents this year, likely resulting in more than 200 lives saved, at least 3,800 lives assisted, and approximately $5,365,000 in property saved, according to recent estimates.

But that doesn’t mean that your unimportant and worthless life will be saved, officials added.

“The Coast Guard is prepared to execute all aspects of search and rescue,” said Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen in a press conference this afternoon, just before looking at the camera and making eye contact with you. “Except you, you sorry sack of shit. You haven’t even found a job in 16 months, unless getting fat on Domino’s Pizza and wasting your life away on Far Cry 5 is a source of employment.”