BETHESDA, Md. — A sailor assigned to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center who recently purchased a Chewbacca suit costing two thousand dollars says he is “sick and tired of living paycheck to paycheck,” sources confirmed today.
Although Seaman Peter Barker shared his excitement with friends at buying the “movie quality” version of the suit, instead of the “gay-ass ultimate quality model which is for poser fans who are only willing to pay like twelve hundo,” he also loudly proclaimed his anger at his current financial situation.
“The fucking Navy doesn’t pay us enough,” said Barker, immediately after morning quarters to anyone listening or within approximately 100 feet. “I’m practically an E-4 and I can’t even barely afford top-notch fandom gear. WHATEVER!”
Adding insult to injury, right after complaining about the Navy’s pay scales, Barker learned he’d be unable to drive his fiancé Candi to the premiere of Solo: A Star Wars Movie — the impetus for his most recent purchase — since the 12-inch suspension lift being installed on his F-150 Raptor won’t be done in time.
“Whatever, fuck it, I’ll go by myself and take the YZF,” said Barker, referring to the Yamaha motorcycle he recently purchased from another member of his command.
“Pete’s a good dude, but he was constantly talking about my YZF,” said Petty Officer 3rd class Adrienne Stamper, who sold Barker the superbike capable of speeds in excess of 180mph. “So when he got his reenlistment bonus, I asked him how much he got, and he said ’10 G’s fool,’ so I told him, ‘Ok, ten thousand and the bike is yours.'”
“Turns out he doesn’t know how to ride, doesn’t have a license, and doesn’t have anywhere to store it, so he’s selling it back to me for $8,500 after he offloads his chocolate fountain, some of his vape kits and two of his lightsabers. I’m using the money I make back to take some art lessons. I’m pretty excited.”
Still others in Barker’s command went into further detail on his spending habits.
Besides the motorcycle and Chewbacca costume, in the past month Barker purchased a star named after his stripper girlfriend, bought a nobility title for himself, a Faberge’ egg, snorted rhino horn, ordered a sex doll and a smell-o-vision virtual reality set from Japan, invested in a race horse, hired a celebrity look-a-like to come to quarters with him, ate a $666 burger that has six sheets of gold leaf in it, and bought a ‘Wangcaster penis guitar.
At press time, Barker had taken an UberBLACK to the Star Wars premiere with Candi, who is two months pregnant with twins and very curious as to what “BAH with dependents” means.