YOUR HOME — Many of the troops you lifted up in prayer in church Sunday morning are likely masturbating, drinking heavily, or engaged in barracks orgies, sources confirmed today.
Sources say that you recently asked for God to “keep our men and women in uniform safe” as they defend our country and way of life, but unbeknownst to you at the time, many of those men and women were participating in sinful activities that would make Ron Jeremy blush.
“This really shouldn’t be such a surprise,” said God Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, as he facepalmed in exasperation. “By now, everyone should know that the military is a breeding-ground for alcoholism, mindless sex, and other vices.”
When Our Heavenly Father chimed in regarding your divine appeals, such as “[blessing] the men and women who are away from their families,” He expressed amusement and befuddlement at the way you’ve idealized the military as His holy warriors when the individuals therein come from all sorts of faith-backgrounds, if any at all. This lends itself to myriad debaucheries among those who have no moral obligations against drunkenness and premarital relations, as well as those who are trying to break away from their strict religious upbringings.
“People do realize that the military has almost everything from Christians Conservatives to devil-worshiping liberals and baby-eating atheists, right?” an anonymous Air Force chaplain asked rhetorically.
While you were saying your evening invocation on Sunday night, a female soldier had just finished refusing a MMMMMF gangbang, while her roommate jumped at the chance; a group of Marines drank themselves into oblivion and will likely be hung-over for PT tomorrow; a barracks queen set the service-wide record for the most confirmed abortions; and innumerable service-members were servicing their members to PornHub videos.
In addition to fornicating and practicing Onanism, numerous soldiers were thought to be patronizing local strip clubs, while the sailors and Marines were mostly visiting the gay bars, Army officials said. Meanwhile, the activities of the Coast Guard and Air Force were not known at this time since they aren’t real military branches, according to Marine officials.
Various sins of the flesh were expected to continue into next week.
At press time, a group of Marines at a barracks in Camp Lejeune, N.C. were seen dancing half-naked to Benny Benassi’s “Satisfaction,” but officials noted the activity is not considered gay as long as they are wearing boot-bands.