WASHINGTON — Excitement has erupted among military veterans after President Trump’s latest move to nominate Dinosaur Puppet as the new Secretary of Veterans Affairs, sources confirmed today.
Dinosaur Puppet, or Chompy as he prefers to be called, made headlines earlier this month after his participation in an Air National Guard reenlistment ceremony sparked a viral social media outpouring of exuberant commentary, no doubt because of Chompy’s disciplined poise and magnetic charm.
“Look, there are multiple factors making Chompy the perfect candidate,” said Army Lt. Col. Eric Hathaway, a self-identified ‘thinker’ and Command and General Staff instructor. “He’s already got a track record for connecting with veterans, and his unique physiology allows him to clamp down on claim forms and vigorously shake ’em to shreds.”
He added: “You can’t find anyone, man or puppet, more suitable to maintain these lofty expectations which have historically been associated with a VA Secretary.”
The President’s new pick comes on the heels of Navy Rear Adm. Ronny Jackson announcing his withdrawal from the original nomination after numerous reports that, like most navy admirals, Ronny was a skeezy drunk who loved passing around controlled substances to anyone ready to party.
“I mean, c’mon,” said Army Maj. Nick Fiore, an armor officer who loves pretending his tanks are a squadron of prehistoric lizard-beasts at his disposal. “T-Rex was known as the king of all dinosaurs. You don’t get that kind of title unless you’re a complete badass. Chompy’s got my vote!”
Despite the overwhelmingly positive feedback, at least one flag officer isn’t a fan.
“This is an absolute outrage,” said Maj. Gen. Terry Haston, in a call with reporters from his private booth at a nearby Golden Corral. “Chompy’s nomination will piss off a bunch of people,” said Haston in between shoveling dinner rolls down his sweaty gullet, “and the VA isn’t equipped to handle the volume of butthurt comments that’ll hit their social media pages.”
Aside from the opinions of one Tennessee Guard General on the Army Body Composition Program, Chompy’s popularity transcends beyond the service and reaches the stars. Rapper and music icon Kanye West, for example, recently came out in support President Trump’s pick, tweeting, “Humans were in charge of the VA for years and nothing changed.”
At press time, Chompy was unavailable for comment, and all messages and correspondence went unanswered, much in keeping with the time honored traditions of the VA.