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Communist West Pointer receives lateral commission into Russian Ground Forces

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MOSCOW — Kremlin officials say that former U.S. Army 2nd Lt. Spenser Rapone has been approved for a lateral commission into the Russian Ground Forces, sources confirmed today.

“We’re aware that most lieutenants around the world have difficulty finding their way,” said Gen. Igor Bruschnev. “But we’re glad Rapone has found his way over to the right army.”

The West Pointer made headlines last year after images surfaced revealing hidden messages and apparel that displayed his support for communism. But not long after Rapone’s other-than-honorable discharge, rumors began to swirl that he had submitted a transfer packet through U.S. Army Human Resources Command requesting to join the ‘Soviet’ military, despite the fall of the Soviet Union in 1991.

Fortunately for Rapone, according to sources, his transfer packet had routed to a ‘proactive and motivated’ first lieutenant at HRC, also an academy graduate, who took it upon himself to locate and forward the transfer request to a human resources contact in the Russian army.

“I mean, what the fuck did you expect from a West Pointer?” said Sgt. Maj. of the Army Daniel Dailey. “Frankly, I had to double check the academy uniform standards after I saw those pictures, just to make sure it wasn’t the entire graduating class of those annoying little ring-knockers.”

Still, after the Kremlin confirmed the approval of Rapone’s transfer, some American analysts expressed fears that Russia would gain a new tactical advantage over American forces by exploiting his knowledge.

“I can assure everyone right now that Russia won’t gain shit,” said Dailey with an air of confidence. “Lieutenants have historically provided zero value, and there’s no reason to believe that’s going to change any time soon.”

Although Russia declined to comment on Jr. Lt. Rapone’s orders, sources say he has been assigned as a motor pool platoon leader where he’s responsible for preventive maintenance checks and services.

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