NEW YORK — Former US Army Capt. Taylor McKessen said today that he “felt called to further service to the nation as an elected representative” in a status update shared with his 1,286 Facebook friends, sources confirmed today.
McKessen, who left the Army in 2010 to enroll at M.I.T. Sloan School of Business and still doesn’t know how to change a tire on his own car, currently works somewhere no one really cares about. But he has a MBA now, which he realized makes him exceptionally nothing.
“I'm 32. Jesus started Christianity at this age. I can win a seat in Congress. Praise Jesus, by the way,” McKessen said in a statement.
Speaking off the record to reporters when asked about his decision to go into politics, McKessen said, “I went to work at a Fortune 500 company. Then I realized I was basically starting over as a Plebe again and I said, fuck that. I need to suckle off the government again. Except this time, in a way that allows me to be filthy fucking rich. Are you still recording?”
