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John McCain swiftly kicked out of Heaven’s Officer Club

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HEAVEN — The soul of Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) was tossed out of the Heaven Officer’s Club just hours after he entered the bar for angelic military officers, where witnesses say he was sliding shirtless across the bar top while shouting “carrier landings!” or as his fellow naval aviators simply described it, “just being John at happy hour,” Duffel Blog has learned.

McCain, 81, passed away over the weekend, though sources say his soul refused to slip the surly bonds like some mere mortal and instead allowed an A-4 Skyhawk to strap itself to him so he could tear-ass through the stratosphere, doing aileron rolls as he busted the aircraft’s service ceiling by some 4o or 5o thousand feet before catching a three-wire on the flight deck of Heaven.

“It turns out Heaven is actually pretty boring,” said Adm. Charles Larson, McCain’s Naval Academy classmate and flight school roommate who preceded him in death by four years. “I’ve been waiting for John to get here since 2014. But I should’ve known five minutes after that Restless Wave shows up, he jumps the Pearly Gates and we’re both on restriction.”

Larson was reportedly waiting for McCain outside Heaven’s door with McCain’s old convertible Corvette, but true to form, instead of quietly crossing the quarterdeck, McCain had to shoot the shit with the officer of the deck for 10 minutes, before slipping him a case of beer, parking his Corvette in St. Peter’s reserved spot, and asking, “Where’s the booze, Chuck?”

“Time, tide, and formation wait for no man, but Dad made an exception for John,” said Jesus, who was seen waiting for McCain in the O-club while holding a “Beat Army” sign and an “I Love Jet Noise” bumper sticker.

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