WASHINGTON — In prepared remarks today, President Donald Trump warned rival nations that any aggression would result in "frighteningly random" reactions from the United States, which even he could not predict.

"When I say frighteningly random, I don't...we're not...it's not random for strategic reasons, okay?" warned Trump.

"I mean I don't get foreign policy, so any actions I take will be complete guesswork. Maybe a provocation that was minor in the past will result in sanctions this time, or lifting existing sanctions, or a targeted killing, or billions in aid money. Maybe all four. Maybe the response will be nothing, but who knows what that might mean? It could just be a loose wire failing to launch a missile. I'm the busiest president in history, and I don't have time to follow up on all the reprisals I order in a day."