FORT HOOD, Texas — An Army sergeant major months from retiring after more than 30 years of service is pretty sure he was a Japanese samurai in a previous life, sources confirmed today.

"You know, I can really identify with the Samurai mindset," sources say Sgt. Maj. Joshua Thomas, an overweight 48-year-old father of four, murmured to himself. Thomas, gently fingering a challenge coin given to him 20 years prior by the Commander of III Corps, added: "Maybe I could have been a ninja."

Thomas recently submitted his retirement packet which has, reportedly, spurred a series of adolescent fantasies about medieval Japan. Chief among them is an image of himself in full suit of traditional samurai armor. "I can see myself on the field of battle, clutching my weary katana and squinting to see out from my lacquered mengu face mask. But it is difficult, because of the blood which makes my eyes sting."