SAN DIEGO — With the Coast Guard being the only branch of the military whose members may go without during the current government shutdown, the service has decided to resell the nearly $1 billion dollars worth of cocaine seized in the past six months to supplement pay for the 42,000 men and women on active duty.

"We doubt legislation will be passed by Friday, Dec. 28, which will keep us from getting our scheduled pay check for 31 Dec.," Chief Warrant Officer Kevin Francescon said in a statement. “However, we have a shit ton of drugs. And if we can capture it, we damn well can sell it back for twice the price to the right buyers.”

With Coast Guardsman needing to pay mortgages, rent, food, and travel expenses, the service weighed various options to cover the services many costs, such as a GoFundMe campaign, mandatory intermittent fasting, bread-lines at military galleys, and turning the Coast Guard’s small boats into party boats and their cutters into cruise liners.