Offutt Air Force Base, Neb. – The terrorist group ISIS has “unfollowed” the U.S. Strategic Command on Twitter after suffering mental anguish by recent STRATCOM messaging, possibly taking information warfare to a new direction, sources confirm today.
The ISIS move is a reaction to a Dec. 31, 2018, STRATCOM tweet that stated as the famed ball dropped on Times Square, the Command remained ready to “drop something much, much bigger.” A video of a B-2 aircraft dropping bombs accompanied the tweet. STRATCOM deleted it after complaints about its aggressive message.
ISIS released the statement criticizing the video.
“In the name of Allah, the most merciful, we will no longer follow the criminal crusader U.S. Strategic Command on Twitter,” the statement reads. “The images STRATCOM tweeted on New Year’s Eve, threatening to drop bombs on our brethren, was hurtful and frightening. Several of our brothers who viewed it have already scheduled emergency sessions with their therapists. The tweet also disturbed our enjoyment of the Ryan Seacrest New Year’s Times Square special.”
STRATCOM questioned ISIS’ response in a press conference.
“Our information warfare team is examining the ISIS announcement for any hidden messages to followers.” public affairs officer Capt. Pamela Vasquez said. “We’re also analyzing the possibility that ISIS is acting like a big international wuss.”
“We constantly tweet splashy pictures of B-1s, B-2s, B-52s, ICBMs, aircraft of all types, heavily armed Airmen, and nuclear submarines – basically an endless advertisement of our ability to deliver nuclear annihilation at any place of our time and choosing,” Vasquez added. “If those tweets didn’t scare anyone, we weren’t doing our job. So we’re not sure why ISIS or anybody else is butthurt over our one measly New Year’s message.”
“What do people think our bombers do?” Vasquez questioned.“Despite the press stories last year, military aircraft are know for killing people, not just drawing contrail dicks in the sky.”
The STRATCOM Twitter home page indicates that the command still has over 98,000 followers despite the ISIS departure.
“We hope ISIS re-follows us soon, because we’re planning some great imaging for President’s Day depicting George Washington and Abraham Lincoln turning the launch keys on an ICBM that people should really enjoy,” Vasquez said.