A major typo in a recent presidential directive to the Coast Guard has caused the service to expend thousands of man-hours and millions of dollars in resources guarding the country’s coats, sources confirmed today.
“The Coast Guard, as its primary mission, shall ensure the safety and security of our nation’s coats,” read an executive order issued by President Donald Trump. “These duties shall include search and rescue, drug interdiction, and especially arctic operations.”
The Coast Guard has redirected its priorities away from maritime security in response to the order and is instead focusing on the defense of coats made by everyday brands like The North Face and L.L. Bean, as well as high-end brands like Burberry and Canada Goose. However, it is still unclear whether its responsibilities will extend to the defense of lighter-weight jackets and cardigans.
“If we were to enter a new Cold War with China, it is essential that our strategic reserve of coats is kept safe and in a high state of readiness,” said Coast Guard Commandant Adm. Karl Schultz. “Otherwise everyone would freeze to death.”
Schultz admitted that while guarding coats is an atypical mission set for a service that was designed to patrol waterways, it is one his service is prepared to undertake.
“A couple of months ago, we had ensigns who couldn’t tell the difference between a peacoat and a chesterfield,” admitted Schultz. “Now, we have troops deployed to every REI and coat check room around the country ready to take action.”
At press time, a Coast Guard Maritime Security Response Team was deployed to the mid-Atlantic to investigate reports of a sinking goat.