Due to a variety of policy changes, the U.S. military is witnessing a drastic rise in the number of adult male dependents. While conducting studies about how to best serve this previously overlooked demographic, the Department of Defense has discovered an entirely new sub-classification of the species: the “dudependa.”
The dudependa shares many traits with its closest living relative, the “dependapotamus” but is a unique and beautiful creature in its own right. Here are 6 signs that your spouse might be a Dudependa:
1. He’s entangled in a pyramid scheme selling supplements for a sketchy online supplier.
Sure, he calls it a multi-level marketing “opportunity” and identifies himself as an “independent CEO” on his Facebook, but you don’t quite know what to do when massive quantities of weird, questionably legal chemicals from the former Yugoslavia show up on your doorstep on an irregular basis. At least he seems happy trying to peddle his wares to all the other husbands on base who are already deeply indebted to the same, likely very dangerous people. #Bossbro
2. He’s cheating on you with a Crossfit instructor/semi-professional sugar daddy yacht model named Jodi.
You’re not quite sure why she’s even interested in him since he gained all that beer and Hot Pocket weight during your last deployment. It’s probably some combination of her insurmountable insecurity and the fact that he wears the same cologne as her dad.
3. He shows up at military ball in inappropriately tight tux so the whole unit can talk about the bulge on Monday morning.
And that doesn’t even include the part where he got blackout drunk, started crying and vomited on the XO’s wife. At least he’s hot.
4. He spends your re-enlistment bonus on calf implants.
To be fair, you’d pay any sum of money to get him to stop whining about how he looks like Mr. Incredible or SpongeBob’s “Larry the Lobster.” Other breeds of dudependa have also been known to siphon off their old lady’s cash to buy Xbox games, Nerf firearm accessories, and/or the devil’s lettuce.
5. He pumps out babies (with other women)
Do half of the toddlers on base look eerily similar or is it just you?
6. He attends girl’s night out with your sailors’ spouses but won’t spill their secrets
You’ve never seen this big of a gossip consistently pretend to take the moral high ground in refusal to divulge someone’s dirty laundry. He’s basically a “Sex and the City” character.
He asks for a military discount at the food court.
He cuts the husbands of lower-ranking sailors in line for the bench-press
His favorite phrases are “Do you know who my wife is?” and “We made chief.”
Blondes Over Baghdad, The Shammer, and LT Original G contributed to reporting