PHOENIX, Ariz. – Overcome by congressional inquiries, bad press, and the smell of decaying bodies in its waiting rooms, the Veterans Health Administration released a statement today telling veterans to use self-aid and buddy-aid before attempting to make a doctor’s appointment.

“We figured out that we didn’t need to improve our processes or hire more physicians,” said VA Secretary Robert Wilkie. “We just needed to reduce the number of appointments to lower our waiting times.”

Wilkie told reporters that mandating self-aid and buddy-aid prior to requesting an appointment will help patients get seen within the VA’s current “Golden Year” timeline for routine appointments and “Platinum Ten Months” for patients with more life-threatening ailments.