ARLINGTON, Va.—The builder for a revolutionary Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) contract announced Monday that it has successfully produced a new type of fully autonomous grass that yells at anyone who walks on it.
“The Autonomous Shouting Sod System is the result of six years of research and development,” announced Darrel Hoffstetter, president of Northrop Grumman’s Autonomous Systems division, in a statement to the press Monday afternoon. “We’re confident this innovation will improve order and discipline across the military.”
The top-secret DARPA project, codenamed “Verdant Blade,” began in 2013 after a survey of sergeants major revealed walking on the grass to be the single greatest threat to force readiness, beating out both uniform violations and hands in pockets.
“ASSS represents the forefront of military lawn technology,” Hoffstetter continued. “It’s live, growing sod, with a sensory framework incorporated into it that senses footfalls, and triggers hoarse, angry yelling to keep the hell off the grass.”
