THE PENTAGON—A shot down drone, a murderous Navy SEAL, and a near war with Iran all faded into the distance as Marine General Joseph Dunford, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, took a long draw off a tube of super glue.

“That’s some good sticky shit,” said Dunford. “I’ve been off the Elmers for a few years now, but whoowheeeee, there’s no getting through this week without a little schnozz candy.”