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The Duffel Brief · the free edition, Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Vol. 15 · No. 115 · Saturday, 26 September 2026

Pentagon

Military leaders debate who gets to masturbate first in sniper arch

Services clash over historic privilege of being first to defile nation’s newest military monument

Mitch McConnell returns from extended drill weekend

Trump considers replacing Hegseth with rock or something

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Vol. 15 · No. 115 · Deployed worldwide

Saturday

26 September 2026

2324 Zulu

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· Page 2

ISIS militant not promoted after failing to complete suicide awareness training

Filed · 1552

SYRIA — One of ISIS's top performers was passed up for a promotion yesterday for failing to complete computer-based training on suicide awareness. The decision was internally leaked and is being widely criticized as a weak organizational push to get fighters to kill themselves.

"I was in a CIA black site for the last three months," said Abdel Fattah. "They said I should have completed it before I was captured, but I'm sorry I was busy doing my actual job."

Fattah, an Aleppo native and active-duty militant since 2014, was outraged by the decision not to promote him. In addition to being a top performer, Fattah completed PME in-residence and earned a masters degree from Damascus Online University while held by the Americans, all of which should have made him a shoo-in for advancement.

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