RAQQA, Syria — The Islamic State (ISIS) has announced it will be retiring it aging fleet of Toyota Hilux “Technicals,” which have carried Jihad across the middle east for more than a decade. In place of the venerable pickup truck, the group has ordered several hundred Toyota Prius Primes, an ecofriendly plug-in hybrid vehicle, marking the first step in what ISIS calls the “green caliphate.”
ISIS militants have been complaining to their leaders for years that Hiluxes burn too much gas and contribute to climate change across the rapidly shrinking Islamic State. ISIS head Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi reportedly passed the complaints to Toyota customer service, who recommended the new hybrid Prius model to cut down on emissions.
“We are proud to announce the Prius as the new means of expanding the caliphate across the middle east” said al-Baghdadi via sat phone while hiding from a wave of U.S. air strikes. “This vehicle highlights both our military might and a commitment to the beautiful environment that we govern.”
Not all the militants are happy, however.
“Where are we supposed to find an EVBOX around here?” one militant, who goes by the name Hamid al Amriki, asked, pointing out the difficulty of charging the vehicle with the lack of electric car ports in the war-torn cities where ISIS currently hides. “They [ISIS leaders] have told us we can burn seized oil in an electric generator when charging is required.”
“Do you see any electric generators in this rubble?”
ISIS has called on the U.S. military to switch to more ecofriendly vehicles.
“The U.S. military’s fossil fuel-gulping Humvees and drones have led to a sharp increase in emissions across the Islamic State” said a masked militant in a recent propaganda video. “We call on the imperialist crusaders to seek alternative fuels so that we may fight a clean war and preserve the beauty of what’s left of Syria.”
U.S. military members are reportedly excited to be facing the Prius on the battlefield. “Prius drivers are the same smug assholes the world over,” said Air Force Capt. Jim Anderson, a drone pilot out of Nellis Air Force Base, Nev. “Now, when I see a Prius in Syria, I can hit it 500 pounds of American freedom and remember the dick who cut me off in the PX parking lot.”
“It’s like killing two birds with one fossil-fuel powered stone.”